Just in very case, since I don’t think this is necessary but whatever, please go to my new tumblr at…well, what this tumblr used to be: http://breakdowntime.tumblr.com/

Probably very unnecessary but I’m anal so whatevers. 

(via rainystripe)

As the distance grows between the day (March 16th) my sister died and the present, my ‘emotional feet’ feel a little more sure beneath me each day.  I’ve tried dating a bit since, but it was a foolish idea that I attempted much too soon afterwards - not only did I not have the emotional capacity but I was in the very thick of things at work.

Now, with a bit more breathing room, I tend to feel much more sure-footed with my emotions every day, as if the ‘surprise, you’re sobbing!’ possibility isn’t as much of a threat.  That being said, I worry sometimes that it has come at the cost of not grieving as deeply as I…should?  I’ve had to, by necessity, put a lot of my grief to the side in order to do my job and really just function.  Now I have a bit of concern that I might be out of ‘practice’ with paying heed to my loss though, that I’m ignoring it out of habit, now. 

My heart feels like it’s throbbing almost all of the time, with moments of relief thanks to laughter with friends, beautiful days, and art or music.  That relief can also sometimes be brought by a kind of emotional blood-letting, although those walls usually only come down when I’m with my parents, it seems.  I literally felt a headache I’d been carrying for days dissipate when I cried for 30 seconds on my mum’s couch the other day.  I don’t know why but I’m barely crying alone at all, anymore. 

I suppose all this is stirred up because of my recent communicate with my love-life past, present, and future made manifest.  The ex-boyfriend’s e-mails, the ‘one that got away’s chats on msn, and the first date I have lined up on Saturday (with no expectations).  I guess I’m a bit scared that I’m still not ready, or that I’m deluding myself into believe I’m ready with simple denial. 

This tumblr seems to be where I go when I need to barf up the mess in my head.  Well, at least it helps.